I am sitting here, on the couch in the sunshine. I will soon be outside walking in the sunshine.
I love the light today. I used to act out in my basement with the lights off, and pillows in the windows. my theory was that no one could see in that way. Really though it was a way of not seeing what I was doing to myself. I did hurtful things to my body, and spirit, in the dark. I was so full of shame that I felt at home in the dark.
I am wary of the dark today, because it takes me back there. I always turn on a light if I can.
That is what has happened in my life today. I have turned on a light. A big one. A search light!
I turned it on my past, and saw what was there. The darkness made me cry for a long time. I have come to terms with that. When I look back it still affects me deeply, sometimes a song or a thought will bring it back to me.
I dont wallow in it today. I did for a while. I caught myself listening to songs to trigger it. I changed those songs.
I came to the conclusion early that I had to change the present. I did that by inviting people into me. I took the chance that what they found would not scare them, or drive them away.
What did they find? Some of them said I wrote beautiful things. I told people that I loved them, and geniunely did, because I saw the dark in them too. I showed my light, as small as it was. I told people about the dark, and another light shone on it. Your light. Today the light is there. It shines on nature’s beauty. Your beauty, my beauty. The spirits beauty. It scare’s me sometime, but mostly I feel comfortable, like a cat sleeping in a window. I live in my light today, and when I get to see your light shine it makes me complete. I can no longer watch others drown in the dark. It hurts to much. The future is bright. Won’t you please come out and play?

For all my life I yelled, mumbled, screamed, whimpered. Inside.

I felt trapped. I was mute. I remained silent.

I spoke only to mislead, placate, protest.

Today my words flow, jump, land, descend onto the page.

Sometimes ripped, cajoled, flooding, from my heart.

That’s where they come from. I used to think that they came from my brain.

Today I feel the words I put on paper. They validate me and they validate you.

They help me with the joy, fear, love, pain, comfort, grief, completeness I feel today.

These words take a fragmented soul and mend it together. They are the bandages, sutures, that make me whole

My most fervent wish is that these feelings that I offer, enter your heart, give you pause, bring you to tears, as they do for me.

That is why I write, to transmit feelings to you.

Effervescent, mundane, powerful, slippery, beseeching, vague, light, opaque.

The words know me, they are me, they belong to you. Take them, make of them what you will.

The words are my children.they complete me for a time, they are flesh on the bone’s of my soul.

Most of my life I have felt less than mortal. Today my words make me immortal. they will touch people in some way. These people will touch others.

My words live today. They have saved me from a life, and death, alone.

They connect me. They are my soulvomitt.

I make light today. I used to take it, and crush it into that black hole in my chest, from which nothing good of me ever escaped.

I make light today. I let it out of me so others can see the way. My wish is for them to take it, and light themselves.

I make words today. I used to take them into me and hope they would make me whole. I only felt them slip through me, never really connecting with my heart.

I make words today. I reach into my heart, and cradle them, rest them on paper. I watch them form beauty.

I make love today. I used to take it, discard it, never recognizing it for what it was. I had no experience with it so I could not appreciate it. Those around me stopped trying.

I make love today. I reach out my hand and ask for help, I reach out my hand to help. I offer my heart and invite you in. I make room for you, and the paradox is that the more people that I have in my heart, the more room there is.

I make Life today.

I remember exactly one Christmas from my childhood. It was when we moved to Rutland, B.C. My brother,and I, got ski’s. My father took us skiing, but there was such a line-up of cars that we ended up making a few futile attempts sliding down a forestry road off the main road. That was that.
What I do remember is getting parcels from Germany, with chocolates in them. We would get white chocolate bars. What a luxury! I still to this day use chocolate to soothe.
For many years in the depth of my addiction I had no emotional attachment to Christmas, I had no spiritual connection, and often worked that day.
My lack of connection was the single most crippling thing in my life. I have floundered all my life trying to replace it. I almost died because of it.
This Christmas I still have to work, but on the 22 nd I get the gift of seeing someone I love give themselves the gift of the first step. Then on the 27 th I get to see that happen again with another person that I love.
My Christmas tree has the most special gift under it this year. The gift of being connected to others. Many others. I hope that everybody feels that sense of belonging this year.

Under the pre-dawn sky. I let it pour into me, and it takes me up, into it.

I feel the dark blue encompassing me, taking me into it’s lap, and wrapping it’s arms around me.

I am at home here in my Fathers arms, so tiny like a baby, so huge like the ocean in the sky.

Dad, you broke my heart so many years ago. I wandered aimlessly, looking for other than myself to fix it. When I thought it was in my grasp I would invariably find only a ghost. My heart never mending, never whole or at peace. I came at last to a place where there was only me. I looked hard and found only an apparition running so fast, and never quite getting away.

I had to take the pain out, and the puss oozed out of my eye’s.

In my hands lie the broken piece’s of my heart. I show them to you, and hold you in my gaze. You take them and hold me, and I realize that I am in my Fathers arms again.

Truth as I perceived it had nothing to do with reality, it had more to do with my clouded perception. When all I felt was pain, that is all I saw. When I was lonely, I could be in throngs, and see only my aloneness. If I lied, I only saw your deceit.
With all my constructs crashing down around me, I had to re-evaluate what was truth. There is your truth, There is my truth. There is reality. Which one should I choose? I am not fond of yours, I like mine, and reality is the two combined, with all of human existence thrown in.
There is only one answer. Love, a love so large that I can accept you, what is, and me. A love so large that it can help me accept the joy, pain, beauty, sheer ugliness of life. A love that can hold us when we collide, and make another. The truth of the matter is that there are many truths, and if my love is big enough for them all, I can’t live in my own truth any more. I will be fortunate enough to see yours, theirs, and mine.
As the Beatle’s once said. ” All you need is Love, Love. Love is all you need “

Iv’e been waiting to live for most of my life. There was never enough to make me full. I moved through life looking for the next thing that was going to make me complete.
I tried to fill myself with things that had the effect of actually keeping out what I needed. I needed you. When I finally got over the fear of letting you see me, no small feat, and reached out to bring you inside, I had the most wonderful awakening.
I also brought other things into my life. For as long as I can remember I have been putting limits on myself. I now spend a lot of time looking up at the sky realizing that just like it, I have no limits. I started to write, and people told me my writing is beautiful, I made the leap that I wrote it so I must be beautiful.
Music fills me today, and helps me express my newly found emotions. When I start to corkscrew into the ground, emotionaly, I stop and breathe deeply. I remind myself that I am worthy no matter how it turns out. I am much more than a collection of things that I have done.
I am me, you are you. When I reach out, and I will. Please don’t hesitate. Come in, Come in, Come in.

There was a boy who was scared, he said to himself  ” I will build a castle, with walls, and I won’t have to be scared any more ”

He did just that. He is a very smart boy, and he built the walls little by little, taking time to make them thick, so nobody could see through, and hurt him any more.

He became a king whose castle was spectacular. He built it out of his self control, and nobody got in who he didn’t let in. After awhile nobody got in.

But, there was one little door at the back of the castle. he had to have this door. He said to himself  ” this is the place that I will go to when the pressure of holding the walls up is to much ”

He kept this place secret from the people around his life. It worked for awhile, he found relief there, and excitement. The king was in control for many years. The funny thing is that he didn’t feel in control.

One day people around him got a glimpse inside the walls, because they were starting to develop cracks. He asked himself  ” how could I be so sloppy ? ” He had no good answer for that question.

He took a look around and saw these barren walls staring back at him. ” I can’t live in this castle any more ” he said. He looked around for a way out, and saw only the small door which was just an illusion in his mind.

” How do I get out ? ” he said. He had done such a good job of building the walls that there was no way in, or out. People see a very successful king, with all he has built, around him. Inside he is still the scared, little boy who started building the castle, and now he can’t find a way out.

He’s yelling for help now, but the people on the outside can’t do much to get in. Someone dropped in a hammer, with instructions. The instructions said  ” use this hammer till you make a small hole, when you do that I can pass in a bigger hammer, I have twelve hammers, by the time we get to the twelfth one you should be able to come out into the light with us ”

He stands there now and takes swings with his hammer, he gets tired sometime , and the thought comes to try the little door again. He looks at it and thinks it might be easier to just go that way. They tell him, though, that there is light on the other side, and he is tired of living in his dark kingdom, alone.

He takes his little hammer and starts swinging, again.

I stand here on the shore, breathing long and deep. I will soon be back in the ocean.
It took me a long time to make it to the beach of life. I could just sit here in the sunshine.
Sunning myself, drinking, eating, and focusing on how lucky I was to get out. My journey through the harrowing ordeals of early recovery, over.

As these thoughts sit in my mind I know that they are the product of my addict. He says ” you’ve done enough for today ” or, ” its time to take a break ” I can’t let these thoughts get traction in me. They are what start the drift back into the ocean of my addiction. the one where I flounder and gulp, where I start to wonder whether it is worth treading any longer.
Not so long ago I was exactly like that. I could not see, much less find shore. I was adrift wondering which self induced wave was going to take me under for good, or when I was just going to give up and sink into oblivion.

I was at my most terrified, drowning in that ocean of pain when instead of just watching people swim by I yelled out with all my might ” I am dying, and I don’t know how to stop ” Someone heard me and threw me a lifeline. I had to reach for it. I had to hold on, and follow their directions, to get to shore. It is more than I ever dreamed it could be. I feel. I cried for a long time, after getting on solid footing, I have learned why, and put that in its place. I can look back at that ocean of grief, and say ” I accept you, and you are in me. You make me strong, if I lived through you how can I fail now ”

Its time to get back in the ocean of recovery now, I need to be ready when I hear someone yelling, no matter how faintly.

How can I watch them drown ?

This thought was inspired by and is dedicated to S.

The battlefield is in my mind, it is not out there. It is not in the joint, rock, or pornography that I view, consume.

It is in my mind where one tells me that I do not deserve any more than that. I need only turn to this and it will all go away.

The great Lie.

I need to look past the smoke in my mind, and grasp the certainty that is there. The one that tells me I deserve to love and be loved.

I don’t know how to do it yet, but I can learn. I can go on the greatest, hardest, most rewarding journey of all. To me, through you.

When that thought comes to take the easy way. Remember to reach out and say “Take me in your arms, and hold me ” till it is gone, like the smoke in your mind.