Things in the hands of others lead to uncertainty. I guess that’s why I fear rejection so much and even if it happens I generally survive. Not unchanged but I do survive.

I want to move emotionally but to do that I need to risk. I need to challenge myself. How I ask, I don’t often know. First I would prefer to confront my own view of myself. That’s the crux, the hill I die on most times.

This was all triggered by a late visa stamp situation, but makes me realize again how much I look to others for validation. When I can see myself in a realistic and loving light. Projecting that to others is a goal.

I think in some ways I have achieved that and just don’t feel it in me. Time to sling it out there, figure out what I want and start.