If I let you there you would see. I don’t know if you would approve, or even understand. What’s not to understand? I’m people just like everyone else! This is my defense, my moat. You will only get so far. It protects me from the pain of rejection, yet it also keeps me from the joy of acceptance.

Let’s have a look at what there is. There is this big twisted thing about women, sex, pain and love. Which is what I have from my conditioning and choices. Choices about knowledge, effort and desire. Conditioning from engaging in the same behavior. Over and over and over and over and over again.

Then there is the actual world. It isn’t as rosy as I make out my fantasies to be, but it is full of real feelings and people that have them. I live in both, although I would like to spend more time in one over the other.

I have this fantasy where I am part of a romantic relationship. Someone to hold me in bed, but do I really want someone holding me in this heat? Someone to be hold me when I remember Linguine. Someone to take care of me when I am sick, or at least listen to me whine!

Then I wonder what would I do if someone was there 24/7? Could I be that for someone else? Could I be their rock? Could I embrace, tolerate their eccentricities as I would want them to do for me? Loving another is hard work. I have dear friends who I treasure and love. Is it enough between them Jefferson and Ferguson? I do love these two cats with an unreasonable love. Even as I am tolerating Ferguson eating my earphones as he has done several times.

If I can tolerate cleaning cat shit off the floor twice a day can I cook, clean and lean into another? Can I care or have I gotten so out of practice that it is safer to be alone. To commit to writing as a purpose in life, leaving my emotional longings, because at this stage the physical longings are but a ghost of the past, to shrivel and atrophy?

That’s the thing about emotional longings though. They don’t just go away and why can’t I have both! A purpose and the companionship of another human. These 2 cats are pretty great though!!!