They tell me I have feelings. I guess that might be true. Once in therapy they gave me a list. It was quite long. I can barely name a few.

I have been numb. I suppose that’s a feeling, right?

I get feeling good and run for the numb. I don’t know how to react to/feel the good. I am not comfortable there. Why is that? Like I don’t deserve it. I haven’t worked hard enough for it. Is that what you gave me?

Must I keep myself immersed in something to feel like I am something? Therapy told me I can be okay being me. That is enough. When has that worked? I grew up in a home where performative actions were what was validated. I don’t know another way.

I want to be like my cat. He comes and inserts himself into the space between my tablet and face. He knows I will pet him because he has that intrinsic value.

Do I feel that? No. If only I was so easily placated as by a rubbing of ears to make me feel.

Often I feel like it’s just whining. Do I need to hurt myself or others to feel? Do I need to eat till I feel full/complete? Why do I feel lost being me?.