I sweat every day, sometimes from start to finish. I am loved though. I am challenged by my addiction through these covid days and nights. Sometimes it feels like I am losing, but I know it’s just a stop on the journey.

I’ve wrestled with these demons and angels for a long time, so long that I can’t tell the difference anymore. I have been thinking I want to focus more on mindfulness for a few days, just as I think my grip on reality is slipping away like my will to find someone who cares.

I am full of barriers to my soul. Do they want my money? What about me is appealing? Have I left it to long? I am not the right shape. Will l be taken advantage of? These old clothes have been with me for so long and fit me so well that they are hard to cast off.

I have made a big start! I have come to a new place and engaged many, but l still am reluctant to put myself before the window and that makes me do things I am not proud of. Dangerous things, mindless, self damaging things that eat at my confidence and make me even more reluctant to reach out,

but I am here.