I have this black hole in my chest and I don’t know what it is. All I know is it is coming out. Is it fear or tears, is it a horror that I have kept buried these many years? I don’t know but it is putting a lot of pressure on my chest.

Do I fight to keep it inside and continue to stuff it down deep or do I finally let it see the light of day? I don’t know. I’m scared. Will I be buried under a tsunami of feelings?

Well I’m writing so that’s a good start. I have been working on mindfulness and gratitude. I also saw Cathy from a distance yesterday. She visited the house and the cats and I didn’t do the pile of dishes that was on the counter. I thought to myself who am I trying to impress. That ship has sailed. I think it helped me to realize that it’s done.

I felt immense joy when I was out walking this morning. I did stretches and also lots of cooking this afternoon. When I had supper and relaxed that’s when I started to recognize these emotions start to build inside me.

You know what. Fuck it. Let them come! I don’t want to ride this rollercoaster no more. I don’t think I have many more times when I can pick myself up from the bottom. I just don’t feel like caring anymore, but I’m pretty sure that I am going to have to care if I want to stay alive.

Here goes.