What do these words mean?

To me they have come to mean total agreement.

That isn’t what love means though. It means that I will love you even though I can’t agree with that part of you, because can we really agree with everything that somebody else is?

I love you as a whole. I can’t just pick and choose what parts.

I agree to disagree.

I think that is what love is.

I wish that was true for me, but I refer you to the first line again.

On an intellectual level I believe in the words that come after the first line, but on a purely visceral level I am totally emersed in that first line.

There are many reasons for this I am sure. I can comb through my childhood and find neglect and other factors.

What does this mean though? Does it mean I have to live there? That’s what I have been doing!

I masturbate because it gives me the dopamine hit that I equate with love. I over eat because it fills the hole where the love usually resides.

I watch movies that show me how it feels and I cry because I want the same.

I just realized that the title is wrong. It needs to say I Love Me. If I did that then I wouldn’t have to do those other things.

The problem is not with the other, it is within.

It’s so much easier to look on the outside though. I have been taught that because I make mistakes I am wrong. This is some hard rewiring to do.

Will I continue to look at myself and see the expectations of myself and others or will I see the beauty and potential that has always been there.

Please be part of my journey and walk beside me. Not behind, not ahead. Beside.