Its hard to see in the dark. What do I have to guide me in a place where I stumble around making bad decisions for myself ? I have this insane pattern where I run into the same old objects, because it is what I know and its getting really old, frustrating and hope draining.

Must I continue to bash myself headlong into pain ? Do I need to put myself in this situation again and again, just because I won’t give something else a chance. I am getting so tired of this fruitless dance that takes me ever closer to the abyss. Was I really put here to thrash around in pain and bewilderment ?

Am I being self indulgent and self absorbed ? Can I see my way through this, or am I to far inside to find my way out of the Dark ?

Am I the Dark ?

There has been Light in my life before and I crave it still. It seems so far away. Was it just an illusion that I had, or was it real ? I lived it, I loved it. There has to be a way there again. It must have been not quite solid if I find my self back in the Dark.

What is the most worrying to me is the quality of my Faith. If I truly had a solid Faith in others I wouldn’t be where I am. I would feel that I have what I need, instead of this feeling of emptiness that it is sex that makes me whole. Not even my own, but watching others to try and fill that hole that I know is a illusion, but that I put so much belief in.

They are going to make me question them and myself, as I will do