Every time that I hurt you I feel so much shame and pain. Yet it is so familiar it feels like home. Isn’t that sad. I need to remember that I love you. How do I do that. Do I look at your picture ? Do I talk to you ? I am so disconnected from you that I don’t know what to do to bring you home. It seems that I have tried to keep you in a box. A action that is foolish and hurtful. It serves no purpose that I can see.

I guess my dismissal of you is an attempt at trying to void those years of drifting loss. Those years where I didn’t find myself or my way. I have felt like a drifter for a lot of my life and the time has come to own it or it will slip away again, as it has done so many times in the past. It is time to walk into the fire and see how I come out, not walk around as I’ve been doing for so long.

Yes I’ve come a long way, but I’ve fallen back into my ways of cut and run. I don’t know what I am fighting, but I am fighting and floundering in the fight. I want to give up and find my way back to you. I don’t want to hurt you any more . Others may not have had faith in you, but I know that it’s time for me to have the humility to allow you to walk with me, because I know that we can walk this road together and help each other when we stumble.

Why little boy ? I don’t know why, But it doesn’t really matter anymore about the why, it only matters about how we take care of each other from here on in. I will do my best not to hurt you and I will be your wall when others try.

Why ? Because as much as it doesn’t look or feel like it I love you.