They hurt themselves first, though. I feel so shitty about myself that I punish me first. That is what I have learned. I can’t make you happy, how can I make myself happy, and when I can’t take it anymore I turn to checking out of life. Oh the sweet death of not feeling, but I come alive again. Why do I have to keep getting resurrected ?

There is a little person inside of me that is so afraid of the world and the people around him that he just wants to go live in a cave, but that cave only exists in his mind and it keeps getting darker and darker in there. I don’t know what to do. The sunlight is very bright and it hurts to see what I have become. I keep casting back to what I know of myself and how to deal with that.

There are hurt people around me and they do the best they can to validate me, even if that isn’t much. I need to take those kernels of love and the ones I can recognise in myself and feed them to that little person. I need to feed the boy in me and the girl as well, because if I don’t do that I will still see her as another that I want to control, abuse and hurt.

If I don’t do that.

Well, hurt people hurt people.