I look into his eyes and shiver. can it be, can it be he ? My constant companion, always his shadow or something more. Like a wall with a sign saying ” turn back ” or ” you can’t fill this space ” My flickering light so often blown out by his smothering breath. He can appear at any time to keep me rooted to the spot, vacillating between action and painful implosion.

I am not the only one who knows him, her, it. Have you seen the face, the slathering visage that makes you turn away ? That is his mission to stop at all costs, to keep us from going forward, in the darkness we know. The killing, unbearable, suffocating darkness.

He visited me today. I was at work and a coworker got mad at me for something that I had done. I explained to him why I had done it. We blustered around the incident for awhile coming to an understanding. I went on my day, but the fear was still there he nibbled at me when I saw him talking to a coworker. I heard ” they are talking about me ” and ” I am not perfect ”

It goes back to a little boy hearing ” not good enough son ” It connects so far back that it can rush in when ever I let my thoughts wander or am caught unawares.

The face of fear.

It can take so many forms, ready to pounce and fill the hole left by self doubt,  can supplant self worth if I give it room. It takes just a fleeting moment for it to  come back to stare into my eyes, saying you dare not go this way.

Now I can look through him and see to the other side. The side where I have come through to you. I can’t be be perfect, but I can be me, and that’s all I ever really needed to be. After so long bullied by fear I just really longed to stand up for me.

It has taken me a long time to figure that out.

Feet facing forward, heart in hands, just be yourself. As Jann Arden said.