Am I really that self centered. I want to feel sexual. Is that so wrong ? I am struggling to connect the dots. Love is enough, should be enough. I want to believe that, but right now I am struggling. Can I never have sexual intimacy again ? Do I need to divorce this person to have that again ? I don’t know, maybe. How do I feel about that ?

There are many things to think about. Love, loneliness, pain, change, finances, place, and work. All these things are swirling in my head. It hurts. It leads me to a place where I feel betrayed. I know that I have been a betrayer my self. I don’t want to give in. I want to feel that intimacy again.

I could just masturbate. That’s not enough anymore. I want to be connected to another human being, when I am experiencing sexual intimacy. I want to feel that I am wanted that way. I want to feel the hot flush on your skin. I want you to respond wildly. I want you to stiffen, in release. I want that to, but you don’t. How do I move around, or through     that ?

I don’t know what direction to take. What road to walk, run, or crawl. I feel like exploding in rage, like crying, or nothing at all. I know that I am worth having that type of connection, and I know that I can find it. The days are gone where I don’t think that I deserve that. Now that I am here where has it all gone ? Like a hall of mirrors. I have finally gotten to the mirror where I don’t look like a monster, and yet  I am still not whole.

I know that it is not about me, its about you, but where do I go from here ?