I am sitting here, on the couch in the sunshine. I will soon be outside walking in the sunshine.
I love the light today. I used to act out in my basement with the lights off, and pillows in the windows. my theory was that no one could see in that way. Really though it was a way of not seeing what I was doing to myself. I did hurtful things to my body, and spirit, in the dark. I was so full of shame that I felt at home in the dark.
I am wary of the dark today, because it takes me back there. I always turn on a light if I can.
That is what has happened in my life today. I have turned on a light. A big one. A search light!
I turned it on my past, and saw what was there. The darkness made me cry for a long time. I have come to terms with that. When I look back it still affects me deeply, sometimes a song or a thought will bring it back to me.
I dont wallow in it today. I did for a while. I caught myself listening to songs to trigger it. I changed those songs.
I came to the conclusion early that I had to change the present. I did that by inviting people into me. I took the chance that what they found would not scare them, or drive them away.
What did they find? Some of them said I wrote beautiful things. I told people that I loved them, and geniunely did, because I saw the dark in them too. I showed my light, as small as it was. I told people about the dark, and another light shone on it. Your light. Today the light is there. It shines on nature’s beauty. Your beauty, my beauty. The spirits beauty. It scare’s me sometime, but mostly I feel comfortable, like a cat sleeping in a window. I live in my light today, and when I get to see your light shine it makes me complete. I can no longer watch others drown in the dark. It hurts to much. The future is bright. Won’t you please come out and play?