I stand here on the shore, breathing long and deep. I will soon be back in the ocean.
It took me a long time to make it to the beach of life. I could just sit here in the sunshine.
Sunning myself, drinking, eating, and focusing on how lucky I was to get out. My journey through the harrowing ordeals of early recovery, over.

As these thoughts sit in my mind I know that they are the product of my addict. He says ” you’ve done enough for today ” or, ” its time to take a break ” I can’t let these thoughts get traction in me. They are what start the drift back into the ocean of my addiction. the one where I flounder and gulp, where I start to wonder whether it is worth treading any longer.
Not so long ago I was exactly like that. I could not see, much less find shore. I was adrift wondering which self induced wave was going to take me under for good, or when I was just going to give up and sink into oblivion.

I was at my most terrified, drowning in that ocean of pain when instead of just watching people swim by I yelled out with all my might ” I am dying, and I don’t know how to stop ” Someone heard me and threw me a lifeline. I had to reach for it. I had to hold on, and follow their directions, to get to shore. It is more than I ever dreamed it could be. I feel. I cried for a long time, after getting on solid footing, I have learned why, and put that in its place. I can look back at that ocean of grief, and say ” I accept you, and you are in me. You make me strong, if I lived through you how can I fail now ”

Its time to get back in the ocean of recovery now, I need to be ready when I hear someone yelling, no matter how faintly.

How can I watch them drown ?

This thought was inspired by and is dedicated to S.