My Father was a very good carpenter, he could build beautiful things out of wood. My father was not a very good father, I don’t think it was totally his fault.

I never wanted to be a carpenter, I was supposed to be a carpenter. I was supposed to take over the family business and take care of my brother and sister, this was the German way.

My Father is still disappointed that I did not do that. My Father made it clear that he was disappointed in me, a lot.

I started to read when I was young. I read Science Fiction voraciously because it helped me escape who I was.

Its ironic that I didn’t want to become a carpenter, because I have been nailing boards over that black hole inside of me for years

The first one was reading, then masturbation. After came marijuana, alcohol, tv, exercising, cocaine, coffee, all coupled with compulsive masturbation.

I finally had to stop nailing boards over that black hole inside of me, or I was going to nail  myself out of existence.I took them all off slowly, and reluctantly. The last board I took off was sexual acting out. I looked into that black hole and what should I see but a scared little boy who couldn’t stay silent any more.

He is afraid, ashamed, insecure, selfish, and oh so alone. I’ve had to take him by the hand and walk with him into the loving sunshine.

We stand here blinking our eyes through the tears of pain, joy, grief, love, and amazement. I am 55 today and I can finally say that I feel special, and beautiful, This only happened because there are special, beautiful people who helped me get here. Thank you all.